Transitioning

Sometimes my life can feel a bit like catching a plane--hurry up and wait.  Busy busy busy, bored.  And I can get so caught up in this process that I forget that I am in fact, at the end of the hurrying up and waiting, going to be somewhere else.  But the thing with planes is that you typically get back on another plane and head back home.  Life transitions are a one-way ticket to something new, and often you don't get to pick where you are headed, life just kinda takes you there.  There is always choice involved, which mostly (for me, at least) looks like the "you get to choose how you handle it" kind...not nearly as fun as the "pick whatever you want" kind.  I am currently waiting on a few things in life, such as the end of graduate school so I can begin my career and watching my little girl become a toddler, soon a lady.  Yesterday I became keenly aware of being hurried in a direction that I don't particularly like, aka that I am dreading with all of who I am.  Mawi is leaving.

She will too-soon be driving all the way out to North Carolina, her home for the next two years.  Bright side: She's staying in the country.  Down side: ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY.  Ugh.  She was kind enough to laugh with me yesterday when I confessed that I secretly wished it would all fall through for her so I can selfishly have her here with me.  Luckily, its not about what I want.  She is going to go off and learn how to be an amazing social worker and I need to figure out how to handle it well.  It's a funny thing when you care about some one a whole whole bunch--even when you are trying your darndest to support them, they are still supporting you right back.  I've been trying not to melt into a fit of tears every time I see her, or to say stupid things like "I think I am going to join several different groups once your gone so I don't loose myself completely" but you know, you can't win them all, and sometimes I slip.  Like a blog post.  Ooops.

Some transitions we don't even notice.  Birthdays come and go and people ask "do you feel any different?" Of course I don't, its just the day after yesterday and the one before tomorrow.  Same same.  But all of a sudden you look up and you are somewhere different.  I wasn't expecting it to smack me upside the head in such a manner, this transition out of young adulthood, but it certainly has quite the kick to it.  Lots more gains and losses than I expected.  My life is not by any means complete now, but its not an unwritten story either--I have several chapters that I can go back and read.  Looking at my relationships with my family, who all live far away, I recognize that our relationships are growing and wonderful despite the distance.  I love them more than anything, and missing them hasn't killed me, its truly made me appreciate them more (I'm sure not being in high school has something to do with it too, but we'll sidebar that for now ;).  So as my dear friend Mawi, who is like family to me, embarks on this new adventure, I know that we will grow even closer as she becomes more of who she was created to be...even though that takes her far away.  And I am rest assured that we are good enough friends that she won't be freaked out when I stalk her on facebook and insist on awkward skype dates with her new friends so that I feel included.

Mawi, I'm going to miss you, and I am so excited to see where this plane will take you.  Please read this on the days that I don't call, because I hate the phone, and know that I love you and am thinking of you... maybe even stalking you at that exact moment.

Limitations, Part 1.5

As a follow up to my last post, I thought it would be good to highlight the downside of over-committing, or in other words to simply tell you a little bit about myself lately.

I can always tell when I am in over my head when it becomes harder to fall asleep, because my mind is piecing together all of the things that I didn't have time to put together during the day.  I become very impatient, even more so than I usually am.  Impatient with Skyler, with other drivers, with that darn clock on my wall that won't tick faster.  The small things seem HUGE, i.e. the difference of fifteen minutes makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.  Everything is planned back-to-back and on top of each other, and there is no room for life to happen.  The worst side effect is how mean I get.  For a lot of you I know your thinking "What? Bri mean? No way!" but that is because I save you from my meanness. There are a few unfortunate souls who can attest to my coldness and biting comments when I am stretched too thin.

I would like to take a second to note how nice it is of me that I save most of you from myself--a glimpse of humanity amidst my hulk-like state.  Maybe I'll find out how my story ends when I see the Avengers this week (Of course I shouldn't have said yes to this, when I am throwing a bridal shower this weekend and have a huge paper due next Monday, but I did).  To clarify, I don't actually ruin cities or people's lives or anything--I just run around at the end of my severed rope, ready to glare and complain about anyone who gets in the way of my desperate need to get things done, because I have way too much to do.  On second thought, maybe I will cause significant damage to my relationships if I keep this up. Scary.  It's feels like a sickness, and I really am working to discover the cure--I'm just having to fight myself along the way, which creates significant setbacks.

How did I find time to write this post, you might ask?  Because the final symptom is that I fluctuate between a wild sprint and complete avoidance.  It's similar to maxing out your car--despite your best efforts to floor it you have hit the limit--shut down.

Alright Skyler, I'm ready for the oh-so-sucky process of cutting things out... and it doesn't seem quite as painful as it usually does.  Which means...progress.  Just a little bit, but I'll take it. I have a feeling this cure will be a long, small-steps-to-transformation kind of pill.

Limitations, Part I

Limitations are a tough thing for me to accept.  The childhood motto "I can do and be anything I put my mind to" stuck with me. I really like it.  Now that I'm an adult, I can see how cartoon it sounds to say "I have absolutely no limitations."  So silly.  Of course I do.  If it was some one else saying it I would think they sounded pompous and arrogant... but since its that voice in my head telling me how I ought to be, it sounds just right.  Skyler (in many ways my opposite) embraces his limits, in a super healthy and mind-boggling kind of way. Our conversations typically go something like this:

Bri (close to tears and/or hyperventilating): "Can you come home early from work?  I'm really behind and I don't think I'll finish in time."

Sky (calm, cool, collected...very comforting to stressed-out Bri): "I'll come home as soon as I can.  After you finish I think we should sit down and look at what we need to cut out."

Bri (now panicked): "What we need to cut out? Why?" *Aside: When I don't like what I've just heard, I repeat it.  It's almost like if I say it again, maybe it will come out differently, in a way more to my liking.  This hasn't worked yet, but I will let you know when it tips in my favor.

Sky (still calm, cool, collected): "Because we have too much on our plate if you don't have time to finish things. I don't want you feeling this way, and when we get this busy I don't get to see you. I hate that."

Bri (on the inside screaming 'Nooooooooooooooo I have to do it all! It's all UBBER important and people might think I don't care about them, or I might miss out on something that will make life really great if I don't do it all...No Sky. No!'): "I guess your right."

And then we proceed to painstakingly decide what we aren't going to cram into our schedule.  What projects will go undone, or people unseen, or goals unaccomplished.  And at first I feel sad and empty, and a little/lot shameful, depending on what it was that we cancelled.  But later, as I am soaking up time with Aurora and Skyler while we spend a beautiful day at the beach, I think that there might be something to this limitation thing.  That every time I say "yes" to something I am saying "no" to something else... and when I think I am saying "yes" to everything, I'm actually saying "no" to peaceful days and a non-stressed version of myself.  One that has time for spontaneous trips to the beach on a gorgeous day.  And to be honest I can't even think of a specific example right now of something that we have cut out to gain that freedom.  Huh.

I'm no writer

This whole blog thing is pretty intimidating because so many fabulous writers have blogs. They are like those students who mess up the curve for everyone. Yes, of course I love reading their blogs... they are entertaining and vulnerable and witty and all around fabulous, just like I'm sure they are in person. But it makes it so hard for me, who is just a thinker, not a writer, to throw my hat in the ring--the bar has been raised too high. I wish there were leagues in blog-dom, where I could submit mine to the amateurs and not feel like I'm competing with the big dogs. And yes, your right, its not a competition. And as a simple thinker and communicator, not a writer, I will continue to post some thoughts and ideas for some people, some time, to read. But I will also feel a little small when all the blogs I read are getting book deals, and even though I would never, ever want to write a book (because I'm not a writer, and don't enjoy it) I will feel a little jealous and a little small some times. I know its childish, but that's one of the reasons we are called "children of God," yes? Because our perspectives get skewed and we want silly things, and as a result we entertain really immature emotions that God has to help us work through. I sincerely hope they continue writing their blogs, and their books, because I love to read them. They truly bring something bright and beautiful to this world. I guess I just hope that everyone else continues with their blogs too--because they are just as important, and worthy, and wonderful. Your thoughts count, even if your not the best writer in the world. And I'll read your blog too, some time.

Not "But", but "And"

The word "but" can be deceiving in many ways. When used, it means that what is about to be said next is going to negate what was just said. The dictionary explains that it is: "used to introduce something contrasting with what has already been mentioned." To me it doesn't feel like its a simple contrast--it feels like the next part of the sentence overtakes the first part. Example #1: "I really like you but I'm just not in a place to date right now." Relationship over. Example #2: "I really appreciate that you've been so clean lately, but it would be nice if you could (really, plug anything in here.)" Definitely not feeling appreciated.

I would like to suggest the increased use of the word "and." I think it is more fitting for many of the situations that we bring "but" into. They are synonyms, making them pretty easily interchangable. "And" is meant to "connect two parts that are to be taken jointly." I think this touches on a deep sense of humanity, that things are not actually on either side of a coin, but joined together to make a complete picture--a whole, real person. I try really hard to be clean, and can be messy. I am a loving and caring Mom, and sometimes I do things that are in my best interest instead of Aurora's.... such as when I selfishly stop to get Pete's coffee before we get on the plane as opposed to getting lunch for her. In my defense, I thought we had more time before we needed to board... and Pete's coffee is so good. The best, in my opinion. Back to the topic: I really hope that when Aurora grows up she doesn't think to herself (or say to her counselor): "Ya my Mom cared about me, but she prioritized coffee." I don't even hope she says "My Mom really cared about me. Period." I hope she sees and accepts all of my strengths and weaknesses, my successes and failures, the whole complex picture of how I love her imperfectly, and knows more about the world and herself because of it. In the case of example #1, it would look like them saying "You're a great person, and I don't think we are a good fit." Because let's be honest--if you found some one you really like, you want to date. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

My point is that I feel that we can often undermine ourselves and others with the word "But," because it changes focus as opposed to broadening our perspective. "And" is a powerful way to see things three-dimensionally. I, and the world, are both good and bad, both broken and creations of God... for better and for worse.

Explosive Weekend

Sounds fun, yes? No no no. It was explosive in all the wrong ways. Try to imagine how Aurora could be fully clothed--diaper, long-sleeve onesie, and pants, and she could have a poop-xplosion all over the kitchen floor, her, me, and the changing table. Today it managed to get all over the living room as well. Truly impressive. And then throw in Sky and I experiencing all of the weight and glory of a 12-hour, knock-you-out flu. Poor Aurora didn't know quite what to do when Mama was throwing up. She just had a look on her face of "that's not right!!" and I couldn't agree more. It is the definition of "backwards" when the food is on its way out the way it came in. Not right indeed.

I was proud of the fact that in the midst of it all, I could still count my blessings.

1) Aurora was the least effected of all of us--she managed to laugh her way through much of the experience. Couldn't ask for anything more in such circumstances.

2) Sky and I caught it about half a day apart, and so I was just well enough to care for the baby by the time he turned pale and needed to lie down.

3) We will always have the memory of Sky asking me, while I was at my very worst, with his charming smile and playful gleam in his eye: "I know you said you don't want to talk right now, but how about I make you flashcards so you can communicate...things like 'water' and 'food'?" GET. OUT.

4) It is pretty sweet to have such great relationships between the three of us that the only thing we really wanted was each other when we felt every kind of awful. (To be honest Aurora did favor me a bit, which I properly soaked up because some day soon she will be all about Daddy, I just know it.)

Sky is currently napping with the little one, and I am grateful for how quickly this illness-bomb came and went. I even had the wherewithal to clean up the house last night before heading to bed... so now I have a few quiet moments to myself, with no poop or shrapnel in sight. Aaaaaaah. The victory of surviving is sweet, even if we came out on the bottom of a lot of nasty.

The Adventure of Aurora and the Toilet Paper Roll

#1: La de da, I am just innocently wandering...

#2: What is this in my path!?! I must investigate.

#3: Mama can you BELIEVE this guy? Look at him all pretty and raveled... I think he's MOCKING how unraveled you are today!

#4: I'll take care of this...

#5: The texture is like nothing I've ever seen. It must be rare.

#6: Mama you don't want me doing this? But it was all for you...

#7: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat, of course I'm not gonna do it again!

#8: I'm here because this lever asked me to come in and pull him a hundred times.

Disclaimer: Formatting this mini-story was near impossible, so please have grace with its absurd structure.