We did it. We bought a blue house with white trim on a tree-lined street in sunny San Diego. Our family and friends all rallied around us as we packed up our belongings and transferred them into this new exciting place that we would call home. We have poured ourselves into fixing up the place--patching holes in walls, working on the plumbing, cleaning the floors, spackling and painting. But no matter what I do I can't shake this feeling, this undercurrent of being unsettled.
Luckily our new house is pretty close to our old apartment, because I still take our old exit off the freeway, even though I shouldn't. It feels comforting doing something familiar. That is at the core of this unsettled state I am in--familiarity. Nothing feels quite the same. Even my relationships. They all seem just a little tweaked since we've moved. Not in a bad way. Just in a different way. In many ways they are better than they were. But still, they feel new, along with everything else.
"Familiar" is solid and comforting, and without it I am stumbling around trying to catch my balance. Balance. That can be quite elusive, can't it? At least it is for me right now, and I'm willing to bet I can get an "Amen!" from all the mother's out there. As a stay-at-home Mama by day and graduate student by night, I was already pushing my luck with not becoming overwhelmed. Then I bought a house, and WHOOSH! there went any sense I had of having it together.
A month into this journey, I have learned two things...
There was a day last week that Aurora decided that she wanted to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for most crying in 24 hours, one that fell into the category of "Skyler got the better end of the deal." Since we've had our little angel I have had so many days where we are blissfully playing together and I think "I am so lucky to be here with you--I can't believe that I get to stay home like this." Everything has its opposite. Anyhoo, this was a particularly difficult day, and I kept thinking to myself "This should not be this hard! Aaaaaargh!!!!" Whether it was brushing our teeth or going to the grocery store, I was pretty sure that God himself did not intend for it to be so @*%$(#*%ing hard to do it. Then hits the redeeming and day-saving thought--I can do hard things. It's okay if its this hard, because gosh darnit, I can do hard things. It sounds a little silly, because it seems so simple and obvious, but on that day (and if I'm honest, a lot in the past year), I've been pretty scared that I won't be up to the task. And at those times, it is quite profound. Life changing even.
Since Aurora was born I have spent day and night (sometimes all night) trying to be a good mother, keenly aware that it is my job to take care of her. Others will help, but she is my responsibility and I want to do my absolute best. I found out that there was a gym with childcare, but I felt really guilty about spending the money each month on membership...we could be saving up for college or spending it on something much more important! Then hits another life-changing thought--I have to take care of me too. Others will help, but I am my responsibility, and taking care of me is just as important as taking care of everything else. It doesn't need to take a backseat to the house, and my kids, and my marriage. That doesn't mean its in the driver's seat either--the passenger seat is a great place for my health and well-being. Self-care isn't selfish, its responsible. Now would some one please get those voices inside my head to SHUT UP that keep telling me that it is too selfish?!?! I don't believe them. I don't. And you shouldn't either.
There is a huge gap for me between inspirational moments and truly believing something different about myself and the world. As things settle down over the next several months, I hope that these concepts sink into the foundation of my new normal.
Time for bed in my new room. Sweet dreams all.
Love,
Bri
